I’m going to rant about three things today: panty-lines, doctors who smoke, and why women talk so much.

We’ll start with the latter. Yesterday I went to the post office where I had to stand in line for a good 20 minutes. There was a woman in front of me and 2 behind who did not stop talking. They didn’t even know each other but God forbid they kept quiet while they waited. I could understand, maybe, if one of them had something interesting to say but if ducks could speak our language that’s what they’d sound like; nails on a blackboard is another viable  comparison. One said she was a widow, quite cheerfully I might add. What, did you bore him to death? No I didn’t say that though if I had it might have shut her right up.

Another one found it so humorous that the post office was now selling greeting cards. “You know why don’t you?” she said, loud enough for the back of the line to hear, “it’s cause they’re broke.” Yeah, that’s really funny lady. One of America’s oldest institutions could very well become extinct but let’s make a joke out of it.

Finally, it was my turn. I was never so happy to hear the word…

NEXT, in my life.

Women, and I can say this since I am one, are much too unconscious where their speech is concerned. If only we’d pause before we opened our mouths the world would be a much saner place. I’ve practiced the 7 second delay rule for sometime now and have to say, I’m much better company than I was when I’d be foaming at the mouth blurting out whatever nonsense popped into my head, a head no one thinks is empty anymore. I’ll admit, it did take 20+ years but, better late than never I always say.

Baffler Number 2: doctors who smoke. On my way to take the train I always pass St. Mary’s Hospital and there is never a time I don’t see at least one physician outside having a smoke. Here he is in the healing business polluting his lungs as if those nicotine rules don’t apply to him. Have you ever seen the diseased lung poster they now hang in stores that sell cigarettes? If the price doesn’t deter you that certainly should and if you were a member of the medical community, it should be a no-brainer.

The few times I’ve been to a hospital has always left an indelible impression on me. The smell of illness cloaked in disinfectant told me hands down, I don’t ever want to be here longer than necessary. I ask you then, why doctors who see people suffering every day could still smoke? It truly amazes me.

I realize they’re under pressure, it’s a release for them to go have that cigarette, but you would think they’d want to maintain their health even more after witnessing the devastation of a debilitating disease such as lung cancer. You would think. And how bout being the greater example. I can just hear someone say, “Why should I quit if my doctor won’t?”

Last but not least is the infamous panty-line, that for me is the greatest fashion faux pas there is. Nothing is worse than walking behind a woman whose ass looks sliced in half like a grapefruit. I think she should be fined since her rear looks illegally parked in her pants. Seamless comes to mind since that’s how your trousers or skirt should look as you’re striding down the street. They shouldn’t be trapped in a layer of latex that’s so tight your cheeks are gasping for air. Also, for the record, it’s very uncomfortable. It’s not as if you don’t feel that something below the waist is very, very wrong.

Nowadays, considering the lingerie that’s made, there’s no excuse for it. Invest in that thong ladies, please, if not for me, do it for the environment. Throw those antiquated Lollipops away or better yet, recycle them. They make great dust cloths.

What are Lollipops? They are old-fashioned balloon type Vatican approved undies your mother and grandmother wore that belong in The Smithsonian.

Why these things bother me so much I really can’t say, but they do.

I guess the worst nightmare for me would be to have a woman doctor who smokes with panty-line.

OOH…

I just got a chill.